Have you ever noticed the way journalists describe female musicians differently to male musicians? It’s subtler than a Karl Stefanovic costume change, but when describing male musicians, journos tend to omit details like marital status and hook-up history or unnecessarily vivid dissections of their looks.
You can tell, because applying the same prose quirks to male musicians just sounds… odd. Imagine if a review of a Foo Fighters show started with a description of how Dave Grohl was looking and a nonchalant mention of his past sexual history.
That’s precisely what freelance journo Louise Bruton has done. Writing for HeadStuff, Bruton has compiled a series of short blurbs describing several famous male musicians, including Eddie Vedder, Dave Grohl, Ed Sheeran, and Sting, in the style typically reserved for Madonna or Taylor Swift.
In addition to being hilarious, the blurbs, several of which readers can check out below, are also thought-provoking. While the description of Sting as a “toned 63-year-old” who should just “give it up” will elicit a chuckle, take a moment to consider why it has such an effect.
If you wanna check out the whole thing head on over to HeadStuff.
Eddie Vedder
Eddie Vedder (50) is no stranger to noise so when the crowd in Dublin start a rousing chorus of ‘Olé Olé Olé’, he tucks his hair behind his ear and bares a toothy grin. Unlike the showy Jack White, Vedder modestly wears figure-hugging jeans and a loose-fitting plaid shirt as he sashays across the stage, guitar strap casually draped around his neck. The father-of-two quickly regains control of the crowd before wowing them with a heartfelt performance of ‘Alive’.
Dave Grohl
The raven-haired Dave Grohl, who has a smile that goes on for miles, shows his humorous side onstage as he fires off jokes, that are seemingly off the cuff. The jokes abruptly stop so he can focus before ripping into ‘Breakout’ and who could be the subject of that song.
Ed Sheeran
Known to all as Taylor Swift’s best friend and Laura Sheeran’s younger cousin, Ed Sheeran has had a busy year. The flame-haired singer has a habit of writing heartbroken songs about his ex-girlfriends – including Ellie Goulding, who allegedly cheated on him with One Direction’s blond bombshell Niall Horan – while maintaining a happy-go-lucky, clean cut image in the press. Who’s next on his list to break his heart? Ladies, watch out. He’ll take that heartache and will make a hit song out of you.
Bruno Mars
There’s a softness to Bruno Mars. At 29 years of age, it seems as if he has lived this life more than once. What’s next for him? He sighs and looks off into the distance, his long eyelashes batting gently1. Dusting a piece of lint of his crisp, white Prada shirt with his well-manicured hands, he shakes his head and asks “Who can ever answer that honestly?” He looks around his pristine beach house in Malibu, where he lives alone, and you wonder if his silence is echoing the silence in this home, which would comfortably fit a wife and three kids.
