If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that live music is awesome. We really can’t think of anything better than heading down to our favourite live music venue to witness an energetic performance from one of our favourite bands with all our mates.
Having attended more than our fair share of concerts, we recently began feeling a tremendous sense of deja vu whenever we head out to catch a show. It was almost as if we were seeing the exact same people at every single gig.
Just think back to any show you’ve ever been to, then think back to the show before that, notice any patterns among the crowd? We thought so. To that end, we’ve decided to compile a list of the 12 types of people you will see at almost every concert.
1. The Scalper
You’ll usually see this particular specimen before you even enter the venue. He’s always lingering just outside, trying really hard to not look like a scalper but somehow you can just tell.
You hope that some good samaritan will notify the proper authorities about this criminal and dole out the proper justice, but you never do and that’s why he’s always there.
2. The Unofficial Photographer
While media outlets like yours truly send professional snappers down to shows to photograph them for you, this guy or gal has taken it upon themselves to ensure not a single bead of sweat on the singer’s face goes undocumented.
They usually opt for the phone rather than the professional camera equipment and can be seen contorting themselves into all sorts of awkward positions trying to take the perfect snap. Somehow, they never run out of battery life.
3. The I Got A Little Excited & Am Way Too Drunk Guy/Girl
This is probably their first night out in a really long time. You know, work’s been really tough lately and they’ve been looking forward to this show for months as a chance to finally unwind.
They’ve figured it’s the weekend and it’ll help them forget about the salt mine for a while. That’s why they’re shirtless, covered in sweat, beet-red, and garbling the lyrics to their favourite song at the top of their lungs.
4. The #1 Super-Fan
They were the first to show up, they’ll be the last to leave. They’ve donned their well-worn band T-shirt and they have the one they purchased at that particular gig hanging out of their back pocket.
They’ve staked out some prime real estate right at the front of the stage, they know every single word to every single song, and they can mime the drums to each track better than the actual drummer can.
5. The Too Old For This Crap Guy/Girl
You’ve seen this person at every gig you’ve ever been to and usually reacted to them with scorn or ridicule for their lack of enthusiasm, maybe you’ve thought to yourself, “That’ll never be me!”
Well, we’ve got bad news for you, it almost certainly will be. Once you hit a certain age, you just wanna sit down and enjoy the music and not lose teeth in a mosh pit. But remember, once upon a time this person went even harder than you, so they have nothing to prove.
6. The Never Too Old To Party Guy/Girl
Remember how we mentioned your fate is almost certainly that of The Too Old For This Crap Guy/Girl? Well, there are exceptions to the rule and there’s always one at every gig you attend.
This is the guy or girl who’s probably sporting a grey hair or two and has a few lines in the face but seems to be going harder than everybody else in the venue, even punters half their age.
7. The Cop
This is the person that, for whatever reason, feels the need to police everybody’s good time. They’ll reprimand anyone they feel is being a little too boisterous and cordon off certain areas of the mosh as their own special safe zones.
Though we have security guards for that and people for the most part look out for one another, The Cop is ever-present at gigs. Oh well, their heart is in the right place. Godspeed!
8. The Outpost
This is the person that perches themselves on top of someone’s shoulders and then remains there for the rest of the performance like they’re on Bondi Rescue.
No one really minds if you get up on someone’s shoulders to take a pic or enjoy a song or two, but this person is oblivious to the fact that punters behind them can’t see and are getting increasingly pissed off.
9. The I Gotta Go Guy
A.k.a. The Leaves-Before-The-Encore-To-Beat-The-Crowd Guy. We don’t know where this person is in such a rush to get to, but you’ll usually see them checking their watch towards the end of the set and eyeing the exit during the closing song.
They’re not really interested in hearing predictable encore songs or witnessing some extended jam over the band’s biggest hit, they just want to not wait in a line to exit the venue and wait for hours in traffic. Meh, we can’t blame them.
10. The Heckler
This person is the reason we can’t have nice things. Talking at concerts is bad enough, but disrupting the performance and disturbing the band or artist is like taking that discourtesy and turning it up to 11.
If you think you may be a heckler yourself, we have only this to say to you: believe it or not, but the musicians are at work up there, even if they’re not getting paid for the gig. Don’t heckle and if you do, do it from home.
11. The Statue
There’s always at least one of these at every concert and it doesn’t matter whether it’s a giant stadium show or a small gig at your local pub. You can recognise him or her by their furrowed brow, their crossed arms, and total unwillingness to show any sign that they’re having a good time.
It’s likely they got dragged to the gig by their partner or best friend or if you’re at a One Direction show, their daughter. They perch themselves in one spot like a gargoyle crafted to make everyone around them feel real awkward.
12. The White Dude With Dreads
Just no.
