CHVRCHES frontwoman Lauren Mayberry has long been vocal about the abuse she’s experienced as the face of a popular music act, penning thought-provoking essays about online trolls, taking them on herself, and paying out cat-callers at live gigs.
However, while Mayberry has been open about the harassment she’s received online, she’s now given a deeply personal and moving account of the abuse she once suffered in an intimate relationship, recounting the experience for Lena Dunham’s Lenny newsletter.
Stereogum has shared an excerpt of the essay, in which Mayberry recounts in gripping detail the physical and emotional abuse she suffered at the hands of the unidentified former partner, as well as the process of realising she had to leave.
“He would pull me by my arms and wrists when he was frustrated and thought I wasn’t listening (and then say he was sorry),” Mayberry writes. “He once grabbed at the steering wheel of my car when I was driving so we could pull over to ‘talk’.”
Readers can check out the full excerpt below, while the whole essay will be online tomorrow. You can read it by heading over to the official Lenny Letter website and becoming a subscriber.
Mayberry concludes the emotionally charged essay by detailing the “final wake-up call” she needed to finally make a break and leave the relationship – “He hated me, but then he loved me and I was the best person in the world — until I wasn’t anymore.”
Lauren Mayberry’s Lenny Essay Excerpt
We were arguing, again. Like most times it happened, I wasn’t quite sure why he was so upset. I had tried to placate him; I had tried to reason; I had tried to apologize, but nothing seemed to be having any impact other than making the situation worse. Then he backed me against a wall and slammed his hand repeatedly on the surface above my head. When I broke down in shock, he said, “Oh, don’t act like I hit you.” That moment was the final wake-up call I shouldn’t have needed.
Things like this had happened before but to a lesser extent. He would pull me by my arms and wrists when he was frustrated and thought I wasn’t listening (and then say he was sorry). He would slam doors on me (and then apologize). He once grabbed at the steering wheel of my car when I was driving so we could pull over to “talk,” then shouted and beat his fists repeatedly on the dashboard when I didn’t stop the vehicle.
At the time, it felt like things changed slowly, like I woke up one day in a relationship and a reality that I did not recognize, but I’m sure the signs were there the whole time. When we met, he seemed charming. He was smart, passionate, creative, and caring. But after the first few months, he became increasingly paranoid, insecure, jealous, and depressed. Everything became my fault. I was careless. I was stupid. I was selfish. I was not trustworthy. I was a weak person who would fail at anything she tried so I shouldn’t bother. He hated me, but then he loved me and I was the best person in the world — until I wasn’t anymore.
