Steel Panther’s Eleven Commandments Of Heavy Metal
"Some metal bands take themselves too seriously,'' Steel Panther's frontman, Michael Starr, says to the Sydney Morning Herald. ''They miss the whole point of playing in a heavy-metal band. That's to party, get chicks and make people feel like they want to party and get chicks! My advice for them would be to loosen the fuck up!''. So for all of those doing an injustice to the world of heavy-metal, Steel Panther have created 11 commandments for you to follow, and keep you on the path to righteousness.
1. THOU SHALT ALWAYS CARRY SPARE EYELINER: In a world where it doesn't matter what's on the inside, you don't want to get caught in a situation where you're eyeliner-less. Dramatic eyes are a huge part of being metal. That and bitchin' pants.
2. THOU SHALT GROW THY HAIR LONG: Rocking out on stage in front of tens of thousands of people just doesn't look as cool with short hair. Hair accents your head movements and, when people are watching you at a festival from 150 metres away, you want them to see that you are putting in 179 per cent!
3. IF THOU SHOULD GET CAUGHT CHEATING, DENY UNTIL DEATH: No matter the circumstance, never admit you cheated on your lady or man. Even if there's videotape evidence. Even if the person you are cheating with takes off a mask and it's the actual person you're cheating on! Deny it.
4. THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE A FAITHFUL WINGMAN: Long story short: if your bandmate's trying to get some action and she'll hang out only if her fat, ugly friend can get some, it's your Steel Panther obligation to ''jump on the grenade''.
5. THOU SHALT ALWAYS PLAN AHEAD: Specifically in regards to touring and ''medication''. One must be prepared to ration one's meds for the duration of the tour. You can't just call your regular ''pharmacist'' on the road, so bring enough to last. By the same token, always have penicillin on hand for unwanted diseases
6. THOU SHALT PLAY THE SONG COMMUNITY PROPERTY TO ANY GIRL THOU SEES AT HOME BEFORE DEPARTING ON TOUR: Self-explanatory, really (sample lyrics: ''My love is pure and true / My heart belongs to you / But my cock is community property'').
7. THOU SHALT NEVER SHIT ON THE BUS: This is a cardinal sin. No one wants to travel in a rolling toilet.
8. THOU SHALT COVET METAL CHICKS, FREQUENTLY: The best thing about a metal chick is that she likes dudes who are in metal bands. I am in the greatest heavy-metal band in the world. Ergo, metal chicks dig me, which makes me like them. Plus, metal chicks are totally down to party without really caring about stuff, like knowing your name.
9. THOU SHALT ALWAYS KEEP AN EXTRA BOTTLE OF WHISKEY HIDDEN AWAY: Almost invariably, your liquor will get stolen by drunk hookers or their stupid boyfriends backstage. Keep a spare bottle of Jack Daniel's in the luggage on the bus or in the dressing room. Think of it as ''fun insurance''.
10. THOU SHALT NOT INVITE LADIES ON THE BUS: The bus is sacred. The bus is small. The bus is crowded. Don't bring any other bodies to ride on the bus while it's going from town to town.
11. THOU SHALT NOT BE A TOOL: If I have to explain this one, you're fired already.
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