Cover Your Ears!: When Celebrities Make Music
Celebrities always like to try their hand at music, but though it might seem a good idea (to them) at the time - it often ends in tears - or at least some interesting examples of public humiliation. Here are some of our favourite examples of the rich and famous delivering the poorly executed and infamously terrible. We'll leave it up to you to judge if its helped or hindered their public persona, but these are the celebs who either through misguidance, misdirection - or simply being out of their depth - produced music that should not have been made.
Kim Kardashian Famous for some strange reason, Kim Kardashian decided to heighten her stardom in 2010 by releasing her dance-floor anthem ‘Jam (Turn it Up)’… or so it was meant to be. The song makes even Paris Hilton look talented and the accompanying video clip is in many ways painfully reminiscent of Kim’s sex-tape.
Kevin Costner Kevin really shouldn’t sing. Understandably country music is often epitomised by a languorous drawl, but this is just a step too far. Costner’s country and western band ‘Kevin Costner & Modern West’ also seem to fall short on the subject matter, especially his heartfelt ode to Nascar racing. Probably popular in the southern states of America though.
Shaquille O'Neal The Shaq released an album in 1993 called Shaq Diesel and featured him rapping about his sincere superiority to the rest of the human race on cleverly titled tracks such as ‘I’m Outstanding’ and ‘I Know I Got Skillz’, accompanied by equally disturbing music videos, luckily Shack decided to stick to basketball in the end.
The Bacon Brothers Even though Kevin Bacon has upheld a pretty successful film-acting career, teaming up with his brother he has written some of the worst musical lyrics ever! “Here she comes like a fish, sliding through the door,” is that supposed to be flattering? Not to mention, The Bacon Brothers sounds more like an American chain restaurant than a band.
Paris Hilton A few weeks ago Paris decided to forgo her ambitions at becoming the next pop sensation and instead opted to take up the reigns as the self-proclaimed ‘Queen of Techno’. Making her DJ debut at Sao Paolo music festival to a modest fifty thousand festival-goers, Hilton waved a Brazilian flag and pressed a few buttons, seemingly impressing next to nobody in the process.
Serena Williams Williams opted to release some material this year amidst her rigorous tennis schedule, unfortunately it seems Serena probably should have kept her endeavours on the court. The song features a few references to Serena’s tennis prowess ‘I ball hard no tennis racket’ as well as throwing some props to her sister ‘Swag out this world you should call me Venus, that’s my sister, my name is Serena’. Killer rhymes.
Kobe Bryant The basketball stars didn’t stop with Shaq, as Kobe Bryant also dipped his toe into the rap game. Bryant seems painfully uncomfortable rapping however, and makes you question whether it was his idea or maybe a management decision that has seen him release a number of tracks; including a shocker that features cameos by Tyra Banks.
Heidi Montag The Hills star, Montag took the path of every floundering reality TV star and attempted to break into the popular-music market, how hard could it be? The results… Were basically what one would have expected.
Don Johnson The 1980s on-screen dreamboat released not one but two albums in the mid to late 80s, of which the cheesiness of the songs was only rivalled by the unbridled tackiness of the accompanying video clips; making them a good point of reference for some nightmarish 80s nostalgia.
Ashley Tisdale Having featured in some of the absolute best (Donnie Darko) and then the worst (High School Musical) films of all time, Tisdale settled on pursuing a career as a pop star. Single ‘He Said She Said’ pretty much says it all in regards to how successful that endeavour ended up being…
Ron Artest Continuing in the footsteps of Kobe and Shack, LA Lakers Ron Artest also decided to try his hand at rapping. Sadly Ron’s rhymes fell short even in comparison to his predecessors, including cringe-worthy lyrics such as “I’m Dale Earndhart, I’m so Michael Phelps, so many gold medals, too many title belts”.
Oscar De La Hoya Although you probably wouldn’t say it to his face, retired professional boxer Oscar De La Hoya is responsible for one of the worst forays into the music business ever attempted. If his single ‘Run To Me’ isn’t enough on its own to make you cry out in pain, just try and stomach the awkward, pensive-pose riddled music video.
Taylor Momsen Known for her roll in the TV hit show Gossip Girl as well as being the cute kid who played Cyndi Lou in The Grinch, Taylor Momsen ended up settling on being an ass-kicking rock and roll chick fronting her band The Pretty Reckless. Sadly, Momsen comes off looking more like a trashy, drug-addled skank to put it kindly, and the music sucks too.
Bob Schieffer CBS Anchor Bob Schieffer fronts the band Honky Tonk, which basically consists of him pseudo-rapping over country music, which tends to lean towards mildly homophobic, self-indulgent vignettes. Do not recommend.
David Hasslehof Everyone is in someway familiar with some of ‘The Hofs’ terrible forays into music. Hasselhof however, is actually somewhat of a star in Germany. Not for his acting, but more so for his music. Then again, the Germans don’t have the best track record when it comes to choosing public figures.
Kim Zolciak The star of the reality TV series Real Housewives of Atlanta knew the first rule of being a reality celeb - do anything to prolong your inherently doomed career. She has released two songs to date, the most recent of which is cleverly titled ‘Google Me’ and immediately ruins your outlook on life.
Warwick Capper Sydney Swans football star Warwick Kappa is basically happy to do anything to raise his profile/funds, including whoring himself out as a high-class escort. The lowest point in his career was arguably his 1985 foray into pop music with hits ‘I Only Take What’s Mine’ and ‘Cobana’, accompanied by some archetypal and tremendously cheesy music videos.
Tyra Banks Her collaboration with Kobe Bryant ended up not quite being enough for Banks and her musical aspirations. Instead the former super-model and host of America’s Next Top Model decided to use the cast of the second season of the reality show to feature in her video for ‘Shake Ya Body’, which really isn’t much different from a lot of other terrible pop songs rolling around in recent times…
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